the sea is scary

the ocean is amazing and completely terrifying for someone from . . . indiana. after having spent a number of years in the safety and relative aridity of the midwest, i visited the ocean (pacific) for the first time as part of a two-week california vacation - a college graduation present from my father. i was nearly sucked in. unfortunately, dear old dad didn't recall that a rip tide was something only he naturally adjusted to. look at all of the dangling participles my recalled fear just induced! terror! my not really anywhere near death experience would have traumatized me if i didn't end up thinking that swimming against the rip tide was, possibly, one of the most awesome things ever provided by nature.

i retained a single reservation, however. the ocean contained jellyfish. jellyfish freak the shit out of me. they're spineless, boneless iridescent bubbles with the power to cause intense pain. they travel in packs, gangs, posses. they can temporarily paralyze you. they don't have eyes. their mouthes and anuses are the same hole. possibly . . . maybe . . . they are enemies from outer space. they have lost their space ship, they miss their home country, and they are angry.

look at that. it is motherfucking terrifying. maybe this is one in its natural habitat of space. keep in mind that these things don't have hearts and thus cannot feel guilt over wrapping their slimy glowing tentacles around you in a grip of death.

either way, i spent a statistically significant part of in-ocean time worrying about potential jellyfish attacks, unpersuaded by my father's assurances that his friend was stung once and survived with virtually no emotional or physical scarring. and i began to worry about all the other terrifyingly foreign forms of life creeping, pulsing, and floating through the waters.

this thing, for instance -->

referred to colloquially as a sea squirt, this glowing sucking bubble tube eats its own brain. don't ask me how or why these glowing stems do this. i do not know and do not care to understand.

and this next creature resembles a giant, glowing, see-through sea grasshopper with CLAWS OF DEATH.

will it eat you? this is apparently a strange form of sea insect. insects are fairly innocuous, right? right?

this next one is no insect.

look at that thing. it's so terrifying that it was featured in that pixar nemo movie as the most terrifying moment of the film. craftily duping the ditzy ellen degenres fish with its shiny little nose lamp-lure, the blackdevil anglerfish can extend its body in order to swallow sea creatures (or human appendages, says i) that are twice its body size. there are about 500 species of anglerfish out there in the ocean, wobbling through the water, hungry for your toes.

at least there is some absurdity left in the sea, in order to lighten the mood a bit. i give you the blob fish:

apparently, the blob fish is pretty much a gelatinous mass slightly less viscous than water, allowing it to float around aimlessly off the coasts of australia and tasmania. this is a fish as lazy as it looks - it does not use muscles at all, simply opening its mouth to catch debris and unaware sealife floating by.

this is a fish that might be a lot like your lazy, obese uncle ron, who used to date but gave up on finding a life partner at age 55. he might be a closeted gay. he eats a lot of cheetos and his favorite time of the day is when jeopardy comes on. he went to the star trek movie on opening night, wearing a costume that doesn't quite fit anymore.

the blobfish is hilarious in a depressing way. this little guy is just adorable.

it's like the sea version of a rubber duckie! an oceanic chick! i want one for a pet!

i wish the ocean were full of those little buggers. the ocean would be full of cuteness.

i'll bet the black devil fish of horrific death eats these popcorn balls for lunch, avoiding jellyfish like the plague. next time i'm anywhere near the ocean, i'll have to convince myself that it's worth it to get in all over again.