down with the dictionary

i am continually amazed that books are still banned. whatever for? the financial rewards and occasionally unwarranted critical acclaim writers reap for getting their books banned ought to outweigh the temporary bad press emanating from insane right-wingers.

it's always the case that some of the books that make it onto these lists come as complete surprises. indeed, any list containing books by howard stern and shel silverstein ought shock and annoy, like the american library association's list of banned books from 1990-2000.

i think the especially insane thing about this particular list is its direct relationship to politics - sarah palin requested that each of these books be removed from the library. yet i wonder what the relationship between religion and morality ought to be. clearly, they are inextricably bound up in one another and always have been, even if institutional religious involvement is a more recent phenomonon.

are we comfortable with combining morality and politics, while religion and politics ought to remain mutually exclusive. given this particular differentiation, it is important to discern exactly what separates morality from religion. is one dogmatic, while the other is more flexible and relationally-defined (subjective)? or does religiosity simply indicate an institutional commitment?

most basically, morality is one of many attributes individuals are supposed to attain through involvement in a religiously-defined community. perhaps stand-alone, self-generated morality might be better equipped to integrate thoughtfulness and openmindedness.

the fear that generates censorship always shocks me - if we are capable of living in a society that allows the ku klux klan to exist and hold yearly rallies, why does a wrinkle in time frighten us so much? can anyone raise children in an environment that shields them from alternative opinions with the internet around? might the internet's existence negate previous arguments for parental and local control over their children's education?

sarah palin's banned book list:

i bolded those i have (surreptitiously?) read. under the blankets with a flashlight. some are quite bad. most are very good.

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
Blubber by Judy Blume
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Canterbury Tales by Chaucer
Carrie by Stephen King
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
Christine by Stephen King
Confessions by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Cujo by Stephen King
Curses, Hexes, and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite
Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller
Decameron by Boccaccio
East of Eden by John Steinbeck
Fallen Angels by Walter Myers
Fanny Hill (Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure) by John Cleland
Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Forever by Judy Blume
Grendel by John Champlin Gardner
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
Have to Go by Robert Munsch
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Impressions edited by Jack Booth
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
It's Okay if You Don't Love Me by Norma Klein
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Love is One of the Choices by Norma Klein
Lysistrata by Aristophanes
More Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
My Brother Sam Is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
My House by Nikki Giovanni
My Friend Flicka by Mary O'Hara
Night Chills by Dean Koontz
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
One Day in The Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
Our Bodies, Ourselves by Boston Women's Health Collective
Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy
Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl
Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz
Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
Separate Peace by John Knowles
Silas Marner by George Eliot Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
The Bastard by John Jakes
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
The Devil's Alternative by Frederick Forsyth
The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Snyder
The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks
The Living Bible by William C. Bower
The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare
The New Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
The Seduction of Peter S. by Lawrence Sanders
The Shining by Stephen King
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Snyder
Then Again, Maybe I Won't by Judy Blume
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary by the Merriam-Webster
Editorial Staff
Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween
Symbols by Edna Barth

the dictionary? for serious?

lash out!

oh my fucking christ there is a drug to help you grow your eyelashes. who the fuck comes up with this stuff? who? shouldn't they, after all those years of hard work in school, devote themselves to curing cancer or figuring out how to raise the dead or something? eyelash growth? for real? maybe these were the kids who stole lab materials to get high and stuck their pens in the lab table outlets.

at any rate, this is just further proof that drug companies are now making up ailments in a terrifyingly successful attempt to sell the horribly undereducated american public shit they don't need during a time of economic crisis, because they are really, really vain. and female. restless leg syndrome? that doesn't even sound real. and for those who are afflicted with "inadequate or not enough eyelashes," you may come out of the closet - for your secret, secret defect can now be named. it's either a twelve step program for dealing with your inadequacy (oh god, how many times have i lain awake at night, desperate for a solution to my imperfect eyelashes, sobbing into my pillow) or it's drugs. pick your poison. seriously. look at this essay on potential ailments stemming from latisse, possibly the most vain and unnecessary drug marketed to the middle class:

The most common side effects after using LATISSE™ solution are an itching sensation in the eyes and/or eye redness, which were reported in approximately 4% of patients. These may occur immediately after use, but should usually last only for a short period of time. Eye itching and eye redness are not allergic reactions, and do not mean that your eyes are being harmed.

LATISSE™ solution may cause other less common side effects, which typically occur on the skin close to where LATISSE™ is applied, or in the eyes. These include eye irritation, dryness of the eyes, and redness of the eyelids. Skin darkening (or hyperpigmentation) is another less common side effect. This condition causes areas of skin to become darker than the surrounding skin color, but has been reported to be reversible after discontinuation of the product.

wha?! are men still making this shit up, or is it women now? is it a heterosocial workspace of devious, greedy chemi gerbils and devious, greedy advertising . . . ferrets? it can change the color of your eyes, for christ's sake!

but just to make a drug that solves a problem that's not a problem seem like a normal - nay, historic - pursuit, latisse's website has given you a fucking timeline. starting in 4000 bc, when the egyptians used a mixture of soot and metal to make their eyes look bigger and thus sexier. or it was used to deflect the sun and prevent glare. whatever.

moving forward, they slide over that several thousand years when wearing makeup was an indication that your were a prostitute and instead emphasize really, really racist filmmaker d.w. griffith's pioneering use of fake eyelashes in the film intolerance.

then we wrap up with . . . latisse! godsend! "and it's about time to make history."

speaking very seriously for a moment, what the fuck? i don't understand! this is the new thing i'm supposed to feel inadequate about? have we run out of functional and significant body parts that quickly? i feel like these sorts of drugs aren't actually meant to be sold and are, instead, marketed in order to discredit my sex's ability to reason. seriously - a dude points out the sex-specific nature of this drug during a news story:

never fear those warnings, though. a recommendation, from latisse's own website, to allay your fears. a testimonial! i'll spare you the mildly hilarious and jump straight to the completely, awesomely insane:

"While pregnant with my second child at 23, I went through a lot of stress, and as a result, I began to lose my eyelashes … to the point where I literally had none! My eyes looked weird. It was embarrassing. I never realized the value of my eyelashes until they were gone.

To make up for the loss, I started wearing false eyelashes all the time, which wasn't always convenient. But I kept wearing them … for decades! I'd pretty much given up hope of ever having eyelashes again.

Then, at age 61, I was asked to participate in a clinical study for eyelash growth by my doctor. He didn't make any promises, but I was hopeful. The results were amazing! Finally, my lashes grew back thick and long! I was so excited. Now I have beautiful long eyelashes."- Jeannie

thanks, jeannie! and if you're not yet convinced, ask stylist anastasia soare - also known as "the definitive brow expert." she went to college for that. clown college.

i cannot emphasize this enough: what the fuck?! admittedly, i have an extreme hatred of commercials aimed at this mythical group "women," which appears to love babies, weddings, low fat foods (and chocolate), and home cleaning equipment. pointing out this absurd stereotyping, i give you sarah haskins:



do i belong to this group "women"? if i do, will i ever be able to bring myself to admit my dirty secret to others? will i ever willingly associate myself with kelly ripa? oh god - i think i threw up a little in my mouth just then.

but if i can ever come clean, latisse helpfully allows me to send an e-card to all my best girlfriends! and tranny buddies? spread the love!