lash out!

oh my fucking christ there is a drug to help you grow your eyelashes. who the fuck comes up with this stuff? who? shouldn't they, after all those years of hard work in school, devote themselves to curing cancer or figuring out how to raise the dead or something? eyelash growth? for real? maybe these were the kids who stole lab materials to get high and stuck their pens in the lab table outlets.

at any rate, this is just further proof that drug companies are now making up ailments in a terrifyingly successful attempt to sell the horribly undereducated american public shit they don't need during a time of economic crisis, because they are really, really vain. and female. restless leg syndrome? that doesn't even sound real. and for those who are afflicted with "inadequate or not enough eyelashes," you may come out of the closet - for your secret, secret defect can now be named. it's either a twelve step program for dealing with your inadequacy (oh god, how many times have i lain awake at night, desperate for a solution to my imperfect eyelashes, sobbing into my pillow) or it's drugs. pick your poison. seriously. look at this essay on potential ailments stemming from latisse, possibly the most vain and unnecessary drug marketed to the middle class:

The most common side effects after using LATISSE™ solution are an itching sensation in the eyes and/or eye redness, which were reported in approximately 4% of patients. These may occur immediately after use, but should usually last only for a short period of time. Eye itching and eye redness are not allergic reactions, and do not mean that your eyes are being harmed.

LATISSE™ solution may cause other less common side effects, which typically occur on the skin close to where LATISSE™ is applied, or in the eyes. These include eye irritation, dryness of the eyes, and redness of the eyelids. Skin darkening (or hyperpigmentation) is another less common side effect. This condition causes areas of skin to become darker than the surrounding skin color, but has been reported to be reversible after discontinuation of the product.

wha?! are men still making this shit up, or is it women now? is it a heterosocial workspace of devious, greedy chemi gerbils and devious, greedy advertising . . . ferrets? it can change the color of your eyes, for christ's sake!

but just to make a drug that solves a problem that's not a problem seem like a normal - nay, historic - pursuit, latisse's website has given you a fucking timeline. starting in 4000 bc, when the egyptians used a mixture of soot and metal to make their eyes look bigger and thus sexier. or it was used to deflect the sun and prevent glare. whatever.

moving forward, they slide over that several thousand years when wearing makeup was an indication that your were a prostitute and instead emphasize really, really racist filmmaker d.w. griffith's pioneering use of fake eyelashes in the film intolerance.

then we wrap up with . . . latisse! godsend! "and it's about time to make history."

speaking very seriously for a moment, what the fuck? i don't understand! this is the new thing i'm supposed to feel inadequate about? have we run out of functional and significant body parts that quickly? i feel like these sorts of drugs aren't actually meant to be sold and are, instead, marketed in order to discredit my sex's ability to reason. seriously - a dude points out the sex-specific nature of this drug during a news story:

never fear those warnings, though. a recommendation, from latisse's own website, to allay your fears. a testimonial! i'll spare you the mildly hilarious and jump straight to the completely, awesomely insane:

"While pregnant with my second child at 23, I went through a lot of stress, and as a result, I began to lose my eyelashes … to the point where I literally had none! My eyes looked weird. It was embarrassing. I never realized the value of my eyelashes until they were gone.

To make up for the loss, I started wearing false eyelashes all the time, which wasn't always convenient. But I kept wearing them … for decades! I'd pretty much given up hope of ever having eyelashes again.

Then, at age 61, I was asked to participate in a clinical study for eyelash growth by my doctor. He didn't make any promises, but I was hopeful. The results were amazing! Finally, my lashes grew back thick and long! I was so excited. Now I have beautiful long eyelashes."- Jeannie

thanks, jeannie! and if you're not yet convinced, ask stylist anastasia soare - also known as "the definitive brow expert." she went to college for that. clown college.

i cannot emphasize this enough: what the fuck?! admittedly, i have an extreme hatred of commercials aimed at this mythical group "women," which appears to love babies, weddings, low fat foods (and chocolate), and home cleaning equipment. pointing out this absurd stereotyping, i give you sarah haskins:



do i belong to this group "women"? if i do, will i ever be able to bring myself to admit my dirty secret to others? will i ever willingly associate myself with kelly ripa? oh god - i think i threw up a little in my mouth just then.

but if i can ever come clean, latisse helpfully allows me to send an e-card to all my best girlfriends! and tranny buddies? spread the love!